[Two Pronged] My partner gives me an enema before sex

When is a sexual fetish ok? When is it not?

Dr Margarita Holmes and Jeremy Baer

Published: 5:0 AM September 2, 2018

Updated: 6:27 AM September 2, 2018

 Rappler's Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master's degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

My uncle took me to a bar on my 18th bday. According to my uncle, a girl there kept on looking at me and smiling. He got up, spoke to her, and then introduced us.

She later took me to her condo in Makati, undressed me and gave oral sex to me.

All this was new to me. I was very excited and ejaculated before we even had sex. She said this was unclean and to make sure I was clean, she would give me an enema. It was ok the first time, but now she does it every time we meet.

She says she wants to make sure I am clean. I do not want to see her anymore but my uncle says I am swerte (lucky) because a beautiful rich girl likes me.

What can I do to make my uncle understand why I don’t like to go back? I explained the enema but he just laughed and laughed.  



Dear Victor,

Thank you for your email.

Your story raises a number of issues, the foremost being the degree to which you wish to take control over your own life rather than simply be a puppet in the hands of others.

As your uncle seems to be suggesting, there are worse things for many 18-year-olds than regular sex with a beautiful rich girl (let’s call her Ana) and if the price is having to have an enema (or smearing each other with honey, wearing latex, caning etc.), clearly some fetishes are more challenging than others.

However, you have decided – as is your right since this is supposed to be a consensual relationship – that the dubious charms of regular enemas outweigh the joys of sex with Ana and are prepared to break off the relationship. So far, so good.

Apparently you are not a free agent in this matter as you seem to think you have to get permission from your uncle, the facilitator of your first meeting with Ana (you are silent about Ana’s influence in any decision).

Quite what your uncle’s role is in your life is unclear. Maybe your parents are abroad, or he is the rich member of the family – we don’t know since you haven’t told us. However, he does seem a Svengali-like influence on you, if not only did he arrange for you to meet Ana in the first instance but you think you require his approval to end matters with her.

The 3 most obvious choices facing you are:

To persuade Ana that enemas are not your fetish of choice or if that doesn’t work;

To stop seeing Ana despite anything your uncle may say or if that too is not viable for whatever reason; 

To make enemas your friend. If you write to us again in more detail, we may be able to be more helpful.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Victor,

Thank you very much for your letter. It seems there are two people you are most worried about when it comes to your relationship with Ana: your uncle and Ana.

Your uncle is the more easily dealt with. Even if he behaves like a pimp, he does not seem to have the violent nature many of them have. Thus, if he reacts angrily to your decision to leave her, it may be painful emotionally, but not physically.  

Even if emotional pain can sometimes be more intense than physical pain, I think you can handle whatever comes up with your uncle either by yourself or via the help of someone (we volunteer!!)

Ana seems to enjoy sex with you when she gives you an enema beforehand. In other words, giving you enemas before having sex with you seems to be a fetish. 

Indulging in fetishes is generally ok as long as: 

What occurs is between consenting adults; and

It is not harmful to anybody involved.

Ana’s acting out her fetish on you passes neither requirement.

You may be a newly minted adult at 18, but you do not consent to what is happening. In addition, enemas can be harmful

So I guess I am a little more hard line than Mr Baer: If Ana agrees to still have sex despite no longer giving you enemas, then that’s terrific.  

However, if she isn’t willing, I suggest you leave her and, with any luck, you will find someone else fairly soon to enjoy sex with. After all, Ana is not the only fish in the sea — and I bet there will be one or two that are not barracudas to boot!

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

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