[Two Pronged] From Tinder match to my friend’s husband

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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[Two Pronged] From Tinder match to my friend’s husband
'When I first met the husband of one of my best friends, I was shocked. He was a man I first met on Tinder and had sex with a few times.'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

Two years ago, my mother died. I retreated within myself, dropped out of school, stopped dating all together. All of a sudden, I realized how I wasted two years of my life. I went back to school and tried to pick up where I left off. I now have friends but I still have no interest in dating.

I am happy that my friends still accepted me, despite my silence. There was no bitterness I could sense even if I never picked up the phone even if they called me constantly the first year after my mother’s death. I refused any invitations and did not even bother to reply when they left messages on my phone.

Fast forward to now. My friends are happy I am back. Three of my friends are now married. When I first met the husband of one of my best friends “Olivia,” I was shocked. He was a man I first met on Tinder and had sex with a few times.

I would never dream of telling anyone about this, especially “Olivia.” But something happened this past weekend and I am afraid if I don’t tell her about my past, her husband will. He texted me a few times, asking to meet.

When I did not reply, he wrote: “I just want to reminisce the old times we had together. I interpret your silence to mean I can reminisce about us to your friend and now my wife. It’s your call.”

Please help.

Jane


Dear Jane,

Thank you for your email.

Your situation, as you describe it so sparingly, raises a number of questions. First and perhaps the least relevant to your problem, why have you spent fully half of your email telling us about your behavior in the aftermath of your mother’s death when the only information germane to your real issue could have been conveyed in a single sentence e.g. I had no contact with my friends for two years and didn’t know a guy I met on Tinder was Olivia’s husband (OH).

This question is directly related to your omission of any time line. When was the Tinder experience? While you were on your two year disappearance? Was it before or after Olivia got married?

This leads to another question. Who are these friends and who are you? Are you, for example, all convent school educated and still good Catholic girls, at least on the surface, or has your barkada embraced a more liberal view of the world, now that they have escaped from the stifling confines of the cloister? The answer is important for an understanding of what your friends would think about your use of Tinder, OH’s use of Tinder and the likely effect on your friendships were your and OH’s ‘old times together’ to be revealed.

Turning to your immediate future, there seem to be three main options:

  1. You can call OH’s bluff and do nothing, since presumably he has at least as much to lose confessing to these “old times” as you; 
  2. You could tell Olivia the truth which presumably will include not knowing that OH was her husband; 
  3. You could accept OH’s offer to reminisce and see if his definition of reminiscing includes some “new times.”

Option 1 seems the best but since OH has threatened to reveal all to Olivia, he must feel safe doing so though nothing you have told us indicates why this should be so. Option 2 is fraught with danger as few wives open their arms in gratitude to friends bearing tidings of this nature.

Finally, option 3 has the great advantage of postponing any real decision until more facts are known but at best merely postpones the inevitable – confession by you or OH to Olivia or “new times” with OH.

Only you know the background well enough to decide which of these, or indeed some other alternative, is best for you.

Good luck,

JAF Baer


Dear Jane, 

Thank you very much for your letter.

Admittedly, Mr Baer may have come across as curmudgeonly when he didn’t see the connection between your mother’s death and your current problem. In actual fact, he isn’t (he just seems that way because he has “strange” ideas about certain things). It is partly because he is not Filipino, did not grow up here as you and I have, and thus cannot understand why you needed to share so much about your behavior in the aftermath of your mother’s death.

At the risk of coming across as a stereotypical thinker, I cannot help feeling that we Filipinos seem to grieve longer and far more intensely than people from some western nations. Of course, this is a gross generalization, but I have been sufficiently struck by the differences in patterns of exhibitions of grief to see how this seemingly gross generalization actually has some truth in it. The death of a loved one can cause so much anguish, especially if guilt and/or anger are factors in it.

We Filipinos seem to instinctively understand how grief can take over everything in our lives.

Thus, you hope (and I hope you are correct) that Olivia will understand that your grief over your mother’s death was the reason (and a very good one at that) for your being inactive in your barkada for two years. I also hope she will understand how this practically took over your entire life and your not saying anything to her about OH is simply because you were unaware that they had anything going, rather than because of some more sinister reason.

In other words, there were “mitigating circumstances” for your behavior (or non behavior, as the case may be).

In truth, you do not need to have any mitigating circumstances to get objective and non judgmental reactions to your behavior. But one’s barkada is seldom known for such responses. In fact, this is one reason we love our barkadas. We can count on their being totally on our side, no matter if it means deciding whether a person should continue to be a member is truly objective and non judgmental or not.

Your gratitude that your barkada accepted you so quickly despite your silence implies that you feel in a precarious position regarding your standing in it. You know that how Olivia tells the story (if she finds out) will be critical in determining your future standing. You also worry (and rightly so) that if OH gets his version of the story to her first, your chances of maintaining your friendship with her or anyone else in your group will be nil.

But what happened between OH and you is really not that complicated. It is quite simple, in fact. You swiped right when you saw OH’s picture, you had sex a few times, and somehow your time together petered out. Done, dusted, and so far no one is the worse for it (for it’s having started and/or it’s having ended). 

Two years later, this comes back to haunt you. In a parallel universe where objectivity and kindness reign, your relationship (if you can even call it that) with OH would be considered ancient history. No explanations, rationalizations, or apologies would be needed.

But OH seems to think otherwise (the manipulating bastard!) and it is likely that Olivia will feel as he does once she finds out about this. It is, after all, more face saving to believe your husband rather than a friend — especially one who has resurfaced only lately.

What’s a gal to do? Definitely Olivia should know, whether or not OH makes good his threat. I know, I know, the probability of being ostracized, ulp!—even “tsismised” about (fodder for the rumor mill)—is frightening.

And yet, not to tell Olivia will result in you and HO having something between you that no one else knows. Keeping your previous encounters a secret would be the real betrayal, not anything that happened before. The longer this remains a secret, the more difficult it will be to explain once it comes out. And it is inevitable that it will.

If Olivia stays reasonable after she hears you had sex with OH way before you knew she and he were an item, terrific. Her reaction would depend, in part, on how she learned about this.

If her reaction were catastrophic that would mean your entire barkada’s response would also be catastrophic. She is, after all, a far more loyal member of it than you with your two year absence (no matter how understandable this was).

But no matter how Olivia reacts, it is healthier for your peace of mind that you let her know as soon as you can.

Yes, that might seem counter intuitive, not unlike opening a can of worms that need not be opened in the first place.

But believe you me, thinking you have a say in whether to tell or not is an illusion. Because OH is the kind of person he is, the idea that she might find out will constantly hang over your head. UGH. What kind of a life would that be, constantly having to walk on eggs?

What kind of friends would they be, if you are not sure where they would stand once this came out? Life is short. Do not settle for second best. Grab the brass ring whenever you can and hope for the best. If they still stand by you no matter how the story comes out, terrific! That would mean that they were, indeed, real friends.

And should they prove to be NOT real, nothing you can do will get them to be the kind of friends you want — or need.

All the best,

MG Holmes

— Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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