[Two Pronged] Amazing sex, toxic romantic relationship

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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[Two Pronged] Amazing sex, toxic romantic relationship
'I am scared that I won't find anyone I can grow with in the sexual sense'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

 

Dear Mr. Baer and Dr. Holmes:

Am I normal? Even as a child, I have been more inclined to deviant erotic practices. I would tie myself up and feel excited about it. I started masturbating at around 9 and would think of being dominated/humiliated in sexual ways. I tried to find partners on online video chatting sites as a minor.

I am now in my early 20s and am an avid practitioner of BDSM. I have always been inclined to kink and what I believe are classified as deviant sexual behaviours.  I got into a relationship with a man with whom I further explored BDSM and kink with. I taught him everything I wanted from a sexual partner. We had amazing sex, but our romantic life was highly toxic. We were emotionally and psychologically abusive to each other and we have ended our relationship since. However, we have been having sex in secret because we don’t want our friends and family knowing that we are still in contact. It scares me that the kind of sex we have been having has so much sway over me in the sense that I cannot forgo it despite how toxic we are for each other.

I have been told by my psycho-therapist to find someone new to have sex with but I find this problematic for I don’t know if anyone out there will accept my strange inclinations to pain and humiliation as pleasure. I am scared that I won’t find anyone I can grow with in the sexual sense.

The fact that outrageous sex and erotic practices are such a big factors to me likewise alarm me. Am I normal? I hope to hear from you. 

C

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Dear C,

Your first and last questions are the same: Am I normal? Of course you already know the answer to this as you openly declare your preference for “deviant erotic practices,” presumably in the knowledge that deviant is synonymous with abnormal. So perhaps your question really means something like: can I have a normal life if I continue like this?

Normality is a condition that people often crave only when they cannot have it. Sure, some want nothing more than to be conformists, indistinguishable from so many others of their ilk, but many wish to rise above the average and achieve an excellence that places them clearly above their peers.

What we are discussing here is behavior that is not in the public domain but confined to the privacy of the home/bedroom. Your desire to be normal therefore, in all probability, relates to the availability of a larger number of potential partners as well as greater ease in identifying them rather than simply a plain vanilla approach to sex per se, particularly since you are currently enjoying “amazing sex.” 

Well, the good news is that the internet has facilitated the identification of people of similar persuasions immensely and despite the inevitable possibility of false starts this should enable you find a new partner or partners if that is what you want.

Alternatively, if you want a change of lifestyle, you could choose to undergo a course of therapy to explore the origins of your “deviant erotic practices” and possibly re-orient yourself towards something more mainstream.  

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear C,

Yes, you are normal.

True, your sexual behavior and desires are probably not statistically frequent enough to be considered “normal” but as far as your entire being is concerned and based on what you shared about yourself, you are a normal human being. To quote Freud, “Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.”

Since you have not mentioned having difficulties at work, you probably have no difficulties in that department. I do not always presume normality in an area that is not mentioned. However, you strike me as a person who believes all necessary factors must be included in order to get a fair and honest answer.

Your sex and love life are messy at the moment, but who of us have not been in a similar situation? Indeed, (and again) your sexual concerns are different from most women but meh! – simply being different does not mean being abnormal.

However, you are right to be concerned about how necessary a role BDSM plays in your erotic life – not because of its being BDSM per se, but because practitioners of BDSM are a sexual minority, and being part of a minority, especially in the area of sex which tends to be private, makes things more difficult for you.

Alas, the internet is the last place I would recommend for you to look for a sexual partner.

My female clients who need BDSM before they get turned on finally met a compatible partner when the relationship came before the sex. I am sorry for sounding like an old fashioned fuddy duddy, but somehow that is what my clinical experience has been.

You will probably not have great sex immediately because it is best not to tell him how avid you are about BDSM until he gets to know you more as a person. This includes his fully comprehending that what you want in the bedroom is not what you want when relating to him in other ways. The good news is that, after getting over the first few hurdles, many people enjoy BDSM, especially if they are the ones doing the disciplining and the dominating.

However, it is also possible that you decide — after an hour? After the 1st date? The second? — that while he’s a great guy, he isn’t really the sort of sexual partner you’d want.

Fair enough. If even princesses have to kiss a few frogs before they get to meet their handsome prince, I hope you will be willing to go on a few dates before you meet someone you find sexually compatible.  

The best of luck to you, dearest C.

MG Holmes

 – Rappler.com

 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response. 

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