[Two Pronged] Me, my girlfriend, and being ‘big enough’

 Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I read an SMS conversation between my girlfriend “Marla” and her BFF Erika.

Erika: hey, Is Sam good in bed?

MARLA: C’mon, do you really think I’d stay with him all this time if he weren’t?

Erika: Yes, but how big is he?

MARLA: Big enough

Erika: BUSTED! Women say this when they don’t want to actually say so.

MARLA: Not necessarily. It really doesn’t matter.

Erika: I don’t believe you! What’s the size difference between your American studs and he? I bet they’re bigger.

MARLA: True, but I’m Filipina so it shouldn’t matter.

Erika: “It shouldn’t matter or it doesn’t matter?” It shouldn’t is what you said. Are you just trying to convince yourself?

MARLA: Ridiculous. I’m ending this conversation

She betrayed me. She should have defended me. Plus she lied.

I know about her American boyfriends so I always ask her if I am big enough and she always says, “Oh Honey. YES na YES!”

But I’m not. How can she lie to me like this? I will break up with her next week. Should I tell her why or will that make me look oversensitive? 

Sam

Dear Sam,

Penis size has been a source of male angst and/or pride probably since the beginning of time (only Adam being exempt since he had no comparator). “Bigger is better” seems to be the mantra, despite the obvious logical argument that it is how one uses it and with whom that really counts. Porn has exacerbated the problem as the actors employed tend to have enormous penises, thus feeding any insecurities among the viewers.

Lost in all this is the key fact that when it comes to a couple, the penis is not performing a solo but a duet and so size can be important, as is roughly illustrated by three sheets of paper and three envelopes, sizes A3, A4 and A5. Correctly matched they fit perfectly; incorrectly, the paper either won’t enter the envelope or is a very loose fit.

Of course, the targets of the penis (vagina/mouth/anus) have greater, if varying, elasticity but hopefully the analogy is helpful nonetheless. It therefore follows that a man can in theory be “too big,” “big enough” and “too small” all at the same time, depending on his partners’ dimensions.

Turning to the conversation you relate above, Sam, you appear to be suddenly exceptionally sensitive on the subject of penis size, though to be fair the cause of your angst is one which many men find potentially disturbing at the very least. You might want to give some thought as to why this is so, particularly since you say “I never thought I had a small penis” which would allow lots of men merely to shrug off a single SMS exchange and move on.

But let’s look at your “problem in more detail. In response to Erika’s interrogation, Marla says 1) you are good in bed 2) you are big enough and 3) her American boyfriends were bigger but size shouldn’t matter because she’s Filipina. Furthermore, when you ask her if you are big enough, she says yes.

Yet your conclusion is that she lied, betrayed you and didn’t defend you. True, she did say that size “shouldn’t’ matter rather than ‘doesn’t’ matter” but that is scarcely conclusive.

Leaving aside forensic examination of the SMS text, it is notable that you make almost no mention whatsoever of the quality of your sex life with Marla. Quite apart from the obvious fact that penetrative sex is only part of the sexual repertoire, does your history as a couple (and indeed your previous sexual history) confirm or contradict this notion of yours that you are not big enough?

If it confirms, it is scarcely fair to blame Marla for this problem. If not, give serious thought to why you are making such an issue out of what is nothing apart from a possibly ambiguous exchange between Marla and Erika – and then sit down and talk it out thoroughly with Marla.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

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Dear Sam, 

“I know about her American boyfriends so I always ask her if I am big enough and she always says, “Oh Honey. YES na YES!! … she lied”

The operative word here is enough. Being big enough does NOT mean German bratwursts quake in fear whenever your penis saunters by. She didn’t lie because to her you are big enough. It just means you and she are a nice – even a TERRIFIC! – fit.

“She should have defended me.”

You didn’t need defending.

She betrayed me.

How did she do this, Sam? By not walking around with a limp after you made love to let all and sundry know this is what results when your partner has a humongous penis?

Dear Sam, I hope with all my heart you do not think I am badgering you. Male response to their own penis size is often fraught with such high drama it is difficult to separate reality from wishful thinking. Yet you are able to articulate such strong emotion clearly, so I know you are capable of doing what many men cannot: Widen your perspective and realize that “Penis size, Schmenis size. What really matters is whether it fits the right envelope or not” (as per BET above—Baer’s envelope theory).

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.