[Two Pronged] Transwoman problems

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: “Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality” and “Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.”

 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

Good morning po. I am a pre-op transwoman. I have a foreign boyfriend who looks at me as if I were a true woman. He asked me if I were a top or a bottom.

But I am a woman, I feel like a woman and I do what real women do in bed, I told him. Therefore, I am a bottom. 

Why is he like that? He told me he looks upon me as a woman, so why does he have to ask me whether I am a top or a bottom? Is it because of the porn industry? Does he think this is what transwomen do in real life? Or am I just his sexual fetish? – Joy

***

Dear Joy:

Thank you very much for your letter. We will do all we can to help you, but is it okay if we ask you a few questions first so our answers can be more suited to your particular situation?

First, did you meet your boyfriend online? We ask this because most people we’ve counseled who talk and ask each other deeply personal things even if they have yet to meet face to face are usually those who have met online.

There is nothing wrong with this, of course, as long as we take care of ourselves; the way you are doing, for example. That is, you want to make sure (or at least know as much as possible) that this man “walks his talk,” that he means it when he says he looks at you as a real woman and not as a mere experience with a transwoman.

Second, if indeed you met him online, where did you do so? In a website/chat room? Please don’t find our questions intrusive for no reason than mere curiosity. Your answers will give us a greater sense of who you are.

Third and finally, you did say that you are a woman, yes? Or did you not need to say this at all since it was “obvious” because of your name and other things you may have told him?

Please take care of yourself and remember that, in case things don’t work out between you and him, we are so sure you will find a good, kind (and hopefully also sexy) man, who will look upon, love and respect you as the fine woman you are.

***

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

No worries. Please feel free to ask anything you want to because I know, I hope you both can help me.   Yes, I met him on Facebook. Yes, he knows I am a transwoman. I didn’t hide anything about my person.

My previous experiences dating online have not been very successful. I meet these men on a dating site for transgenders. But every time, even if we are just on the getting-to-know-you stage, they ask more questions about sex than about myself. Is that natural, Mr Baer? Dr Holmes?

Thank you very much for answering my message. It means so much to me that you took the time to do so. – Joy

***

Dear Joy,

Thank you for your message. Just as life in general is inexorably becoming more complex as time goes by, the sexual arena is becoming more complex as well. There used to be a time when the world was divided into males and females, with scant (if any) attention being paid to those who did not fit seamlessly into this simple heterosexual view. When anyone actually acknowledged these outliers, they were simply divided into homosexuals and lesbians.

Today, the 21st century recognizes a plethora of categories, including straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, transsexual (pre-op, post-op, no-op) and, lest we forget, androgynous and asexual. Add to these somewhat less-known terms such as cisgender (a person whose self perception and physical sex are and always have been aligned i.e. a female woman, a male man), men who have sex with men (but do not self-identify as gay), and others even more obscure to the general public.

We come to realize that the world of sex is rife with both diversity and a concomitant possibility of misunderstandings.

Any multiplicity of labels inevitably leads to considerable potential for confusion. For those actually involved in the already fraught business of forming and maintaining relationships, bringing clarity to bear on the issues involved — gender, sexual orientation, self identity, transformation — is critical to the success of any effort to establish mutual understanding between possible partners.

From your description of your boyfriend, Joy, it seems clear that he does not have a good grasp of the potential complexities of the transgender world, despite frequenting internet sites which specialize in transgenders. Maybe he is a relative newcomer, in which case I am sure most readers will sympathize with any initial doubts he may experience when grappling with non-mainstream ideas such as: while to the casual uninformed observer a pre-op transwoman who is gay (attracted to men) will become a straight transwoman post-op, an LGBT advocate would simply state that this person is consistently a straight woman.

So if he is just poorly informed and his questions based on ignorance rather than malice, give him the benefit of the doubt and treat it as an opportunity to teach him.

If, however, you think he should be well aware of the issues involved, tread carefully because perhaps your instinct that he may think of you as a sexual fetish may not be far from the mark.

All the best. – Jeremy

***

Dear Joy:

Thank you very much for your original letter and for your second letter where you answered our questions. I hope you don’t mind Jeremy’s attempt to put your situation into context for those non-savvy about LGBT issues.

You say your previous experiences dating online have been unsuccessful because they ask more questions about sex than about other aspects of yourself. I am glad you ended your relationships with these men and I am even more glad that the reason you did was because you felt they were not interested in you as a person. 

Each man before this one (shall we call him Robert?) did not seem interested in you as you, in what makes you the person you are. They probably never asked you questions about what makes you tick, what you like most of all, who has hurt you the most — father, mother, former best friend — and how you heal yourself when you’re hurt.

What they first focused on (in fact the only thing they seemed to focus on) was how you engaged in sex: were you top or bottom, did you come or not, do you come best with a finger, a penis, dildo, etc., how far are you willing to go? Can they take pictures when you finally meet? Can you send pictures even when you haven’t met? No, no, not pictures of your dog or your baby sister. Not even pictures of yourself. Just pictures of your private parts, etc.

Forgive me if I have misrepresented these men. It is just that these are the experiences of other transwomen who have written to me.

You ask if it is natural for men to ask these sorts of questions. To think or wonder about sexual matters is very natural, Joy, but to ask about them immediately is not very cool and thus will not win them many friends or lovers.

Think about it: 

It is not only men who like transwomen who are curious about how it is to have sex with them. Many men who like cisgender women also imagine sex with them. However, when they ask something like, “ Do you like taking it in the ass?” within 5 minutes of their first meeting, well, these men don’t know the rules about polite conversation or know all that but don’t care.

The former one can live with. One just needs to teach them what is polite and acceptable in our society as is. But more importantly, you have to teach them what YOU consider acceptable and unacceptable to ask, especially when you have just met.

The latter, you and any other person — gay, straight, bi, cisgender — should run away from. These men do not care about you; they simply care about getting their rocks off.

When Robert asked you, “Are you top or bottom?” he asked a similar kind of question. You are right to be wary. It is smart of you to try and get answers before you get too deeply involved. – Margie [TO BE CONTINUED] – Rappler.com

 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email desk@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.