MANILA, Philippines – For an introvert, dating isn’t easy. On the average date, most people are expected to be outgoing, to think spontaneously, and to always have something worth saying from the get-go. A failure to have those 3 things on your first date can lead to a bad impression, increasing the chances of a second date being an impossibility.

Using a dating site can be a stopgap solution for some folks to get to know new people and adapt to new situations. It can also be the perfect avenue to get a date or to find something more, if you play your cards right.

As a single guy who gave up speed dating, I’m now working on self-discovery and self-improvement. I still want to get to know people on my own terms though, so I maintain my dating profile online and talk to new people using a dating site I feel comfortable with.

While some might think this laughable, it has allowed me to realize a number of things about real-life dating I wouldn’t have been able to learn as easily otherwise. Regardless of what dating site you use, here are some realizations I’ve had from having my own profile on a dating site for a while.

Realization 1: Appearances matter

Whether it’s a professional meeting, a coffee date, or your dating profile, appearances matter. Some people may not particularly mind what they look like on a date, but their dates will likely want someone who takes care to be presentable. The meta-message here is that you care about yourself, or at least you care enough about someone else to care about yourself.

In a similar manner, what you say or don’t say on a dating profile is important. If you’re not willing to put in the effort to describe yourself on your profile, why should anyone put in the effort to send you a message?

The idea is that by being open about who you are, other people will learn more about you. Your words and profile pictures, therefore, create and shape the first impression people have of you.

Disabuse yourself of the notion that an online dating profile is the equivalent of a smorgasbord of potential dates who will message you because of rock hard abs or a bikini shot… well, to be fair, there will be people who will message you just because of those pictures, but that likely means they have other things in mind aside from dating.

Realization 2: Rejection is normal

This is something that takes some getting used to, but a little mental leap here can do wonders for your ability to be open to asking people out in the real world. No matter how you present yourself on your dating profile or in real life, being pleasing to everyone is as close to impossible as you can get.

A common assertion on dating sites is to “cast a wide net,” or to message more than one person who catches your fancy because they have an excellent profile that you enjoyed reading through. The rationale is that people you message online may simply not like your profile back for whatever reason.

Assuming you’re a decent person who asks people out nicely, you can safely treat this rejection is normal. You cannot be attractive to everyone, and a lack of replies from others should not be taken personally.

The real world analog is simpler though: don’t go crazy when someone says “no” to your invitation for coffee.

Realization 3: Genuine Interest

Despite casting a wide net, messaging everyone doesn’t seem like the best idea in the world. In the same way that some people on dating sites will take a look at your profile and decide to ignore you, you should learn that dating is about finding common ground with someone.

Being genuinely interested in someone is an important thing to take into account when you’re looking to ask someone out or getting to know another person online. And the person you’re talking to has to feel the same way or there’s no point.

Assessing genuine interest is a little more difficult in the real world, but the idea is the same. Find common ground with someone, see if there’s something worth pursuing from there, but accept the possibility that your time with someone isn’t going to lead to anything more than friendship. If the genuine interest isn’t mutual, it may be better to bow out gracefully from forcing romance to blossom.  

Realization 4: No certainties

Perhaps the biggest realization one can get from dating websites is that there are no certainties. As with regular dating, you have to adjust your expectations to be realistic, even as you hope for something magical.

For instance, expecting sparks to fly when you exchange messages is unrealistic, but it does happen. The kind of openness you or your date show online may be slightly different from what you show offline. Being able to accept that there is no 100% perfect person for you out there who is exactly what you’re seeking on your profile descriptions is the best way for you and your date to get along.

If an online chat goes well, and the offline date that follows turns out splendid and both of you want to see each other again offline, then that’s a start. Taking it date by date and interaction by interaction is the best way to ensure that a relationship can spring from being together, even if it doesn’t end up being a romantic one.

That said, as there is no perfect formula for finding love on a dating website, using it to learn more about yourself and to hone your ability to interact with others may be the best reason to join one. – Rappler.com

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