Miriam’s top 6 pork punch lines

'Kapag tumataas ang posisyon mo sa gobyerno, lumiliit ang balls mo' – Sen Miriam Defensor Santiago cracks jokes on the pork barrel scam

Ayee Macaraig

4:7:49am September 10, 2013

9:55:25am September 11, 2013

THAT'S SOLUTION. This is what Sen Miriam Defensor Santiago calls throwing corrupt politicians at sea. Santiago cracked jokes on the pork barrel scam at the National Student Conference on Hotel and Restaurant Management. Photo by Rappler/Franz Lopez

THAT'S SOLUTION. This is what Sen Miriam Defensor Santiago calls throwing corrupt politicians at sea. Santiago cracked jokes on the pork barrel scam at the National Student Conference on Hotel and Restaurant Management. Photo by Rappler/Franz Lopez

MANILA, Philippines – Pick-up lines are out. Pork barrel punchlines are in.

Sen Miriam Defensor Santiago veered away from her usual pick-up lines, the staple of her public speeches especially before young audience members. 

In her speech at the National Student Conference on Hotel and Restaurant Management on Monday, September 9, the senator focused her ire and humor on the controversial pork barrel scam.

READ: Miriam: Court case can suspend politicos in 'pork' scam

The senator has been a vocal critic of her colleagues implicated in the scam, especially her archenemy Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile. 

The multi-billion peso scam involves an alleged web of corruption where lawmakers allow their development funds to be transferred to fake non-government organizations in exchange for kickbacks.

Santiago delivered the following lines at the start of her speech, drawing laughter from the audience:

1. Anong tawag 'pag nagtapon ka ng basura sa dagat? Sagot: Pollution

Ano naman ang tawag kapag tinapon mo sa dagat ang mga pulitikong kurakot? Sagot: Solution.

(What do you call throwing trash at sea? Answer: Pollution.

What do you call throwing corrupt politicians at sea? Answer: Solution.)

2. Kapag nagsinungaling ka sa congressman o senador, kakasuhan ka na ng perjury, may jail term ka pa. Pero kapag ang congressman o senador nagsinungaling sa iyo, ginagawa na nila ang trabaho nila, magkakaroon pa sila ng bagong term.

(When you lie to a congressman or senator, you will be charged with perjury with a jail term. When a congressman or senator lies to you, they are just doing their job and will even have a new term.)

3. How to tell if a politician is telling the truth:

Whenever he’s crossing his arms, he may be telling the truth.

Whenever he’s stoking his chin, he might be telling the truth.

Whenever he looks at you straight in the eyes, he might be telling the truth.

But when he opens his mouth, he is lying. 

4. There was a study on the connection between government employees and the sport they play. Ang paborito raw sport ng entry-level government employees ay basketball. Kapag lower management position na, ang paborito raw nila ay bowling. Kapag upper management naman, paborito raw nila ay tennis. Ang paborito raw na sport ng high-level government officials is golf.

The study then made this conclusion, kapag tumataas ang posisyon mo sa gobyerno, lumiliit ang balls mo. 

(They say the favorite sport of entry-level government employees is basketball. For lower management position, it’s bowling. For upper management, their favorite is tennis. The favorite sport of high-level government officials is golf. The study then made this conclusion, the higher your position in government, the smaller your balls get.) 

5. May 3 doktor, pinag-uusapan [nila] kung anong pasyente ang pinakamadaling operahan. Sabi ng isa: Electricians – everything inside them is color-coded.

Sabi ng pangalawang doctor: Librarians – everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

Sabi ng pangatlo, pulitiko ang pinakamadali: They have no brains. They have no guts. They have no hearts. And they have no balls. 

(There were 3 doctors, talking about which patient is easiest to conduct an operation on.

One said: Electricians – everything inside them is color-coded.

The second said: Librarians – everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The third said politicians: They have no brains. They have no guts. They have no hearts. And they have no balls.)

6. Top 3 na pinakasinungaling na trabaho sa Pilipinas:

Number 3: Beautician: Sasabihin nilang maganda ang customer kahit hindi naman talaga.

Number 2: Konduktor ng jeep: Sasabihin niya na dalawa pa ang kasya kahit puno na.

And last and the most prolific of all these liars, Number 1: Pulitiko. That’s the end of the story.  

(The top 3 jobs with the most liars in the Philippines:

Number 3: beautician. They will say the customer is beautiful even when she is not.

Number 2: jeepney conductor. He will say there is still room for two even when the jeepney is full.

Number 1: politicians. That’s the end of the story). – Rappler.com